This is a post I’ve been sitting on for awhile because I wasn’t sure how I wanted to approach it.
Awhile back I had the opportunity to go to Horseshoe bend with someone I was interested in. I’ll go into more detail later. But if any of you know me you know that I usually have really bad anxiety with hiking and camping, debilitating anxiety that throws me into constant panic attacks. And what were we doing at horseshoe bend? Camping. I was insanely nervous just because I figured I was going to make a fool of myself thanks to my anxiety.
But by some miracle (aka God) I was 100% comfortable the entire time. WHAT! This never happens with me. I was content, I felt safe and I had no anxiety. For the first time in my life, I could explore what nature has to offer without worrying. It was one of the greatest trips of my life. It taught me a lot, I got to see horseshoe bend, antelope canyon and so much more. Anxiety is a beast sometimes but I was able to manage mine and it was the best feeling ever.
But then the trip ended, things didn’t work out with the person I had been investing my time in and I was absolutely devastated. Anxiety was back in full motion and a whole new type of sadness started setting in. Although I have absolutely not one bad thing to say about the person that might’ve triggered these feelings, in fact he was amazing, it brought on a whole new level of insecurity for me.
The entire trip I was thinking, “Wow, this is what Heavenly Father had in store for me.” But turns out it wasn’t actually in Heavenly Fathers plan. The adventure brought on feelings I will never forget and will always hold dear to my heart. The exhilaration of feeling as though I was on top of the world or the feeling of crying on a plane next to a stranger. Most importantly the feeling that only Heavenly Father could compass me through the trial. It made me realize something, before my trip I said a prayer that my anxiety would be okay during my trip, I had faith, I had relied on Heavenly Fathers help beforehand. And I was going to rely upon Him afterwards. It took time, and it was different for me because I hadn’t quite intentionally made every second of everyday be geared towards Heavenly Father before. But as I did this, I felt comforted and safe and eventually I felt hope and happiness again. Going through something incredibly hard, one of the harder things I have been through in a while helped me to grow spiritually stronger. I even figured out what the key is to manage my anxiety. I learned how to stop feeling insecure about a past that hasn’t been a part of my life in 7 years. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about relying upon Heavenly Father. As we learn to rely upon Heavenly Father he will carry us when we cannot carry ourselves. There will be trials and sorrow within our lives, but there will also be happiness and peace.We will go through things that will shake us to our core while simultaneously forcing us to grow. I’d go through the bad 10x over in order to experience the good.
Pray. Rely. Endure.