In the past few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the future. Specifically the future and having a spouse. I was sort of dating someone for a few months and because I didn’t see a future I decided to end things and to me that was doing the right thing. But then I went through a week or so where I was going on a bunch of dates with different guys even two dates in one day, sometimes hanging out at 11:30pm or later. This isn’t like me at all, and a thought crossed my mind, “What will my husband think?”

Although I hadn’t necessarily done anything wrong and was just ‘dating’ I was doing something that was out of character for me and feel a little embarrassed by it. Normally I don’t do too much dating around and I don’t usually hang out late at night because in most cases nothing good happens after 1am. I am aware that being in Provo it’s a college town and people hang out late, but because of my past I tend to avoid going to hangout with someone around 1am and pulling all nighters with them. It’s just not smart, even if nothing happens.

This thought came to my mind, “What will my husband think?” And it stopped me in my tracks. It made me realize that I need to be the type of person I want to marry, not do whatever I want until that person comes along.  Of course nobody is perfect and there is always some way I can improve, but this thought stuck with me. Do I imagine whoever I’m going to marry as the type of guy who leads multiple people on and goes to a girls house at 2AM? No I do not. Therefore, I need to reflect what I expect.

Daily, I need to be the type of person that I want to marry.

Some people may see this concept as being the dumbest thing in the world because I’m simply dating, there isn’t a ring on my finger so why would I allow a relationship that’s nonexistent to control what I’m doing now? The answer is easy. Because someday when that person comes into my life, I want to be everything they imagined and more. I will eventually discuss my dating life with them, my hopes, my desires, and most importantly they’ll discover what made me who I am. When I am telling my story, when that person is getting to know me, I don’t want them to see me as being the girl who dated around a ton, who didn’t work towards being better, who never gave being prepared for marriage a thought until it showed up in front of her face. Whoever I marry deserves more than that.  I want them to see me as being someone they can spend eternity with.

Maybe I’m over analyzing a simple thought, or maybe I had that thought for a reason. Only time will tell, but until then I’ll be here. Working on becoming a women who will eventually find eternity.

XOXO

Lex