Shaking as I type, I’ve been putting off this blog post for almost over a year now. I lost myself in September 2020.

Read more about that here.

I went through three traumatic events within the same week and spiraled like I never have before. I’ve gone back and forth for months now on if I really want to open up on this subject because a large part of me feels as though it’s nobody’s business and I’ve become more reserved and private when it comes to what I share publicly and to be completely honest, opening up about this is a trigger for me but I’m trying to be brave. Please don’t assume I am opening up for pity or attention, if you take a moment to get to know me and my intentions you’ll know it isn’t the case.  I’m 100% out of my comfort zone writing this, but ultimately I hope that sharing will do what I’ve always set out to do, inspire others. Even if it impacts or helps one person it will be worth sharing.

For a year and a half I have been struggling with PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

At first, I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept, I tried to convince myself it was a bad case of my anxiety acting up. But I knew it was much more than that. I was being triggered into debilitating anxiety attacks by very specific things multiple times a day for months on end. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD and have been in therapy working on dealing with my triggers on a weekly basis for a while now. There are two people outside of my therapist that know what my specific triggers are, there are a couple of good friends outside of those two that know about my diagnosis and how it’s affected me-To those of you that know and have allowed me to open up to you about it, your support and willingness to listen and see me truly means so much. But here I am, opening up publicly to the world about it which is a huge feat because posting anything on social media and posting on my blog are both really big triggers for me.

There was a long period of time that I thought living a normal life would never be possible again, that my life would now be made up of feeling on edge and being triggered daily, that I would live the rest of my life in straight survival mode.

I truly believed that my PTSD was going to define my entire life, that I would never be a good friend or partner or simply ever be myself again because of how consumed I was regarding my triggers.

My triggers controlled my life. It’s not a way I wanted to live. I didn’t want to live if that’s how it was always going to be. It quite literally sucked the life out of me. Luckily, somehow I was able to recognize that I needed help and I wanted to learn how to work through my specific triggers so that I could hopefully get back to a life worth fighting for. I was and still am triggered by specific places, thoughts, memories, certain actions and so much more on a regular basis. I avoided being triggered like the black plague for a long while. I have been a bad friend, absent employee and uncommitted/uninterested date because I couldn’t function physically or emotionally-I was nervous to be social or go on dates in fear that I might be triggered while I was out. I was in survival mode and simply went through the motions, doing every thing in my power to not become triggered.

When it all happened, I had just finished freezing my eggs so I was hormonal, I got unexpectedly demoted at a job within a company I had thrown so much effort and trust into and someone I loved and cared for deeply walked away with no explanation. The ripple effect of all of these things happening within the same week was detrimental to my mental health. The biggest factor of my PTSD is mostly associated with the person I cared about walking away. The other factors do trigger me as well but not nearly as much.

My hesitation in posting all of this so publicly stems from the fact that the person who caused a majority of my PTSD is likely going to read this and opening up about something that has impacted my life so much is scary to share. But I finally decided that I want to open up about having PTSD because just maybe if I’m lucky someone will relate and I won’t feel so alone in all of it, or hopefully reading my experience will inspire or help someone else.

Mental illnesses do not discriminate. You never know what someone might be dealing with on a daily basis, behind closed doors, silently by themselves.

Please choose to be kind and have good intentions with those you interact with.

If I’ve been MIA, different or absent over the past year and half I would like to apologize from the bottom of my heart, my heart has been heavy and simply trying to get through at times. Attempting to navigate my life with PTSD has been overwhelming and as a result of that many of my relationships and friendships have suffered. That changes now. Although I am still learning how to navigate my triggers, I am choosing to do my best not to let them define my life or how I interact with others. My PTSD does not and will not define me and if it’s something you’ve struggled with or if you’ve struggled with any other mental illness, it does not define you either. You are so very strong. I am proud of you and you are not alone.

Over the next few blog posts I’m going to share what having PTSD has been like for me and how I’ve been navigating it. If I’m being honest, I wasn’t sure where or how today’s post was going to pan out. Especially because I am writing it while being triggered. I think in this blog post I simply wanted to open up about my diagnosis and get it out there. Being vulnerable about it is the first step. Diving in deeper is the next. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking around and reading. Here goes nothing.