There is going to be a lot to unpack in this blog post, I’m sure I will be scatterbrained because this is a heavy topic for me so I apologize in advance if my thoughts spill out in a way that isn’t cohesive.

Have you ever been through something so gut wrenching, so complicated and hard that you couldn’t see yourself on the other side of it? I thought I had. I’ve experienced some pretty in depth trials throughout my life so far. I thought I had been through so much that I’d be prepared to take on whatever life might throw my way. Until the end of September 2020 hit…I got hit by a series of trials that was harder than anything I have faced in life this far. And I didn’t make it out.

What I mean by that is the multiple trials I faced all within a short time period changed me forever. I will never be the person I once was-the best version of myself I had worked so hard to become was gone.

Up until this point in my life, I knew I had gone through trials that had changed me and shaped who I was, but I had yet to go through a trial that robbed me of the human I once was. A trial had never caused me to completely lose myself. Until now.

I don’t feel entirely comfortable telling the entire world every specific detail of the trials that lead to this but I will share a little bit of context.

Long story short, some changes happened at work that were out of my control, which were unexpected, went directly against my goals and aspirations for my career, then someone that has had space in my heart for over a decade started distancing themselves from me after multiple discussions of that being my worst fear, also I was in the middle of recovering from and processing my second round of freezing my eggs-aka so hormonal. All within two weeks of each other.

I was initially thrown into all of it the night before I went on a week long vacation. I should have taken the time to enjoy that vacation but I was so consumed by all of the trials I was currently facing that I had constant anxiety attacks during my trip. I was not okay. These attacks lasted weeks on end. And afterwards I’m not entirely sure how I was functioning.

My feelings were overwhelming. I barely ate. I didn’t sleep. I could barely breathe. The emotions had me feeling like I wasn’t worth communicating with, that I lacked value and wasn’t worth fighting for or giving a chance to, that I was not worth being given respect, that I would never be enough even after pouring my heart and soul into every single thing I did and each person I interacted with. I felt weak and irrational for being so emotional about it! The situations threw me into a very unfamiliar territory. I’ve had anxiety attacks before, but never this consistent and never this intense. It wasn’t just affecting one part of my life but every part of my life. Enduring through these scenarios all at once broke me in a way I had never experienced before. I knew that as I worked my way through all of this that the person I was beforehand wasn’t going to survive. This was all going to change me, it already had and I was just in the beginning.

So many things triggered me multiple times a day, even weeks and months after all of this had initially happened. A very few select people in my life knew all that I had been facing and for them I am eternally grateful. I was embarrassed for feeling the way I was and didn’t open up about a lot of it. I felt so betrayed by so many aspects of my life all at once that I had now become very guarded and selective with who I opened up with-which is not normally like me. I tried to find things to be positive about and passionate about but my life was so up in the air. I didn’t have the emotional or physical energy to share. I deleted my entire instagram, I didn’t blog, I stopped taking on photography clients. I isolated myself from friendships and doing anything social in fear that I may have a random anxiety attack if I got triggered. Everything I had been passionate about suddenly felt too heavy for the moment. I needed space to step back.

Navigating through all of the simple things that would trigger me (going to work, seeing coworkers, changing roles, driving in a specific city, hearing a certain song, memories, dreams, etc.) was so interesting and heart wrenching. At first it was constant would almost always immediately throw me into a panic attack but as time has gone on things have become a lot more manageable.

I lost the person I once was, she was nowhere to be found and I was drowning. These trials changed me in a way I had never experienced before. I will never be the same person again. Which was and still sometimes is a un-comprehendible and unexplainable concept to me. I’m still navigating a lot of it 8 months later. I wanted to share this blog post because I’m hoping I’m not alone in experiencing something like this. During those first few months I felt more alone than ever-even more so than when I went through freezing my eggs alone, which is saying something. I want to share and be vulnerable because that is a part of me I never want to lose. I may have lost the person I once was but I will not lose my vulnerability. It may look a little different than it did before but if sharing my experience can potentially help others, no matter how scary it may be, I will continue doing so.

Please know that if you are ever experiencing trials that have you feel like you are drowning with no end in sight, you are NOT alone. Please know that if you ever need a friend or someone to call as you are facing anxiety, you can reach out to me. Our experiences and trials may not be the same but that’s okay. I want to be a safe space for people. I want others to know they can be vulnerable and it’s okay to struggle and it’s okay to share.

I know this was a heavy topic to write about but I feel like opening up about what I’ve been going through is going to help me find the new me. Next week, I will be doing a follow up post about how I navigated and survived these trials and while I wouldn’t wish what I’ve gone through on anybody, that there is a way through it. I want to share how you can find light even in your darkest days. If you’ve made it this far, THANK. YOU. You taking the time out of your day to read about my personal experiences and heartache mean more to me than I could ever put into words. I have never taken such vulnerable photos before, I cried during this photoshoot in May within a second of thinking what I have been going through. My amazingly talented photographer Lexi Marie Photography was there to capture it all.